18 fantastic years. Renee on marriage. (and Contest Drawing)

You know, I’ve been married to my husband for 18 years. We dated for four and a half years before we were married, and I have to say, the relationship is still pretty damned good. We’ve both put on a few years, and a few pounds, but he still thinks I’m awesome, I still think he’s awesome, so it’s all good. Here are some things I’ve learned over the lifetime of our marriage that I feel might have something to do with its success.

1) You can’t not have a yours, mine, and ours in a marriage. Either go in to it thinking that everything is going to be shared, or you might as well just get a roommate. Now this doesn’t mean that he can’t do his own thing, or I can’t do mine, it just means that when we do our own thing we are still keeping the other person in mind.

2) Don’t bring up past fights. Ever. It won’t get you any leverage on the new argument, and if your only defense is something that happened in the past, well, then it’s not much of an argument to begin with. Any ways, we all fuck up, people. And when you get past it as a couple, there is nothing worse then revisiting old wounds.

3) If you are pissed at the world (job sucks, someone cut you off at the market, your child is being childish, etc.) don’t take it out on your spouse. It’s so easy to snap at your husband (or wife or significant other) because you think they’ll love you even when you act like an ass. Well, let me tell you, that only goes so far. The whole marriage ceremony may say “love until death do you part” but it lies a lot. People fall out of love every day. Don’t be one of them. Be kind to your partner. If you’re having a shitty day, tell your partner about it, rather than biting off their head because something stupid, like not replacing the toilet paper roll.

4) Be happy with your partner for who they are or get the hell out. You can’t change other people with your love. The only person who you can change or control is yourself. The sooner you figure that out the easier you’ll sleep at night (it’s also a bit of a relief as well, because once you figure that out, then you also figure out that the choices other people make are not your responsibility. Look at all that sideline guilt just flying out the window). It amazes me how much time and effort people put into trying to create the perfect partner, the same partner they thought was perfect before they married them.

5) There is no such thing as “Happily Ever After.” That’s a fairy tale folks. Stories told to children to keep them from getting nightmares. Surely as an adult, you know better. But there is good news. “Happy For Now” exists and is running rampant through a large selection of the population. Couple who work the whole HFA are the only ones who even have a smidgen of a chance for HEA. Because these are the couples who realize that a relationship is work. It doesn’t get easier when the wedding rings go on. No way, no how. So, everyday I wake up and think am I happy in my marriage, and if the answer is yes, then Woot! status quo. If the answer is no, then I work extra hard that day to make it work.

6) Don’t have children to save a failing relationship. Okay, so this one was never a problem for us. We were married for nearly five years when we decided to get pregnant with our son. But let me tell you, children, while they bring loads of joy to your life, also bring loads of headaches. They can be a strain on a good relationship, and will only make a bad relationship worse.

7) You are not the boss of your partner. Don’t ever believe for one moment that you can tell your partner what to do and they are not going to resent the hell out of you for it.

8) Keep the sex good. If the sex wasn’t good to begin with, well…I’m not sure what to say to that. I’m not an expert in bad sex. LOL. But if it started good, keep it good. Be honest with your partner about what you want in bed and let your partner be honest with you. No one is born the perfect lover, and each person has different wants and desires. Be open to new experiences and have lots of orgasms.

9) Jealousy is a festering wound for a relationship. Here’s a few things I know. If you or you partner are going to cheat, you are going to cheat, and no amount of jealousy is going to change that. (I lived it with my parents. It wasn’t pretty). Jealousy is a total waste of an emotion. If you can’t or are unwilling to trust your partner, you might as well contact the divorce attorney now.

10) Be supportive of your partners hopes and dreams. Nothing squashes a relationship like being told that your hopes and dreams are stupid and not worthwhile. Now, I’m not saying you should go into the poor house trying to live the fantasy, but help your partner find solutions for his/ her goals rather than always bringing up why it’s such a bad idea.

****Notice****

I never mentioned romance. Well, that’s because I think romance is best suited for books. It’s highly overrated and takes more energy than its worth. Things to do instead of wasting time on romance – tell your partner you love them every day; when you are in the mood to have sex, have sex, even if you’re only in the mood because of something you’ve watched on TV, read in a book, or because the new pair of jeans your partner is wearing makes his/ her ass look hot; do something nice for your partner, like make the coffee in the morning or give them a back rub, something along those lines. The way you live with your partner should say much more about the way you feel than a box of chocolates (though I’d never turn down chocolate) or some roses (although they are lovely on occasion as well).

Ten reasons my husband rocks my world:

1) There is always a pot of coffee waiting for me when I wake up in the afternoons.

2) No matter what I want to do, he says “Okay.” He never tells me “no.”

3) He spends time with our son. (You may not think it’s a big deal, but I grew up with an absent father — it’s a big deal).

4) He thinks I’m sexy 24-7 and is always in the mood.

5) He doesn’t penalize me if I’m not in the mood.

6) He doesn’t judge me. About anything.

7) He is the man. Manly, without being overbearing. I don’t think I could be with a submissive guy. I would run all over him.

8) If I want anything and he can provide it for me, he does. (It’s how I got my home office, peeps. LOL)

9) He is intelligent, which makes for great conversations and debates.

10) He loves me more than just about anything.

—<3

Well, now that I’ve espoused unwanted advice, and gushed about my husband, I think I’m going to crawl into bed next to him and thank him properly for 18 wonderful years of marriage. I think we both deserve it. 🙂 Oh, I’ve probably left a few important things out, but you get the picture.

Hugs,

Renee

(Oh! and I’ve decided to do a contest drawing as well. Everyone who comments on the blog here will be entered. I will announce the winner on Wednesday. The prize – an $18 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. Good luck!)

http://www.romance-the-night.com/mainindex.htm

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35 Comments on “18 fantastic years. Renee on marriage. (and Contest Drawing)”

  1. beranibaca Says:

    it’s true fantastic renee..!!!

  2. Barb Says:

    Very nice. You are both incredibly lucky (and so is your son – I know about the absentee father myself). 🙂

  3. LadyVampire Says:

    Congratulations on being married for 18 years! That is a wonderful! And I agree with you on all your points on relationships. Believing in one another is the key, and never giving up on one another is the lock that holds you together.


  4. Niiice, honey–hugs and congrats!

    DC 🙂

  5. Lynda Lorow Says:

    It was so nice reading about you life with your husband. I have only been married for almost 3 years now to the most wonderful man in the world ( well, he is apparently tied with your husband) but to me he’s the most. The first time married didn’t go too well after 19 years, so that was my trial run…………lol.
    But you are so right, my son is getting married in August and I told him and my almost daughter in law (I’m very lucky she’s wonderful), that they need to accept each other for who they are and if they wanted to change each other don’t bother getting married, because they will be sorely disappointed.
    Congratulations on 18 wonderful years and here’s to so many more.

    Lynda

  6. lexxiecouper Says:

    Congrats and big hugs (for you both. I’ve seen your husband – YUM *grin*). May there be many, many more to come.


  7. You lucky, lucky bitch. But I don’t hate you. Much. LOL. I’m so happy for you and Steve. He’s a great guy. You’re a great girl. And life is good. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

  8. Liz Says:

    congratulations! all sound advice!

  9. Bonita Says:

    Congratulations Renee on the 18 years of marriage. I just made 30 this year, so I can attest that all the things you wrote about are correct. A good marriage takes a lot of work, but boy is it worth it.

  10. terrises Says:

    I am with Michele You LUCKY BITCH !

    I LURVES YA LOTS and hope you have an AWESOME Anniversary.

    I MIss you call me sometime will ya !

  11. Eva Holeman Says:

    Renee! You RAWK! You and hubby both!!
    Celebrated 19 this year and you are right on the money honey!! Go forth and celebrate!!!
    There’s a sweet song out that has the line “Love is not a feeling it’s an act of your will.” that is so totally the truth for a long loving relationship.

  12. Casey Lee Says:

    I am a newlywed and wanted to read your advice on marriage. Great stuff and I am definitely taking it into account! XOXO

  13. Kris Says:

    Congrats, that is wonderful.
    I just hit the 10 year mark with my hubby and we are going strong. I appreciate all of your advise and agree with it.
    I hope you have a wonderful day and do something special with your man.

  14. Pamk Says:

    congrats on 18. I just hit 22 in May and if someone had said that marriage was as hard work as it is I’d called them a liar. I agree with you on the jealousy thing.

  15. ~Linda~ Says:

    Wow Renee I think it is wonderful. I can honestly say that I don’t know very many married couples that have the relationship you have.
    Great advise by the way! And I love your top 10.

    Congrats on 18 great years. I am sure you are going to be one of those couples that are still happy after 50! sigh…………………..

  16. Denise Elrod Says:

    We are such lucky women!!! We found the right guy!!! Excellent advice!! Especially poiting out the romance part. Sometimes the little romantic thing can slip by without being noticed. My hubby occasionally picks a flower from the yard for me. Many, many years ago he cut I Love You in the grass with the lawn mower!! 12 years together and 7 married, and going strong!!!

  17. Jodi S. Says:

    Congrats on your anniversary!
    Next month will be 8 years for me (and 16 years together!), and yes, it is hard work.

  18. Anne-Kathrine Says:

    Congratulations on your 18th anniversary. Im so happy you have eachother. Having been with the wrong man for 7 yrs Im happy to be single but hope to meet the right man with time. Love your advice!!

  19. Laura Says:

    Thank you for your advice. My hubby and I have only been together for 7 months. Its always nice to get such good advice from couples who are making it work.

  20. Cole Says:

    Congratulations! My husband and I have a long ways to go until we match the longevity of your relationship. We will celebrate our 2 month anniversary on Friday 🙂

  21. reneegeorge Says:

    Wow, look at you all coming out in droves. LOL. I’m loving the responses.

    Hugs!
    Renee

  22. ChariDee Says:

    I absolutely agree with you on all points above. But can I just say that #3 is probably the hardest one to actually do. I have found though, that both The Hubs and I are awfully quick with an “I’m sorry, that was a shitty way to behave.” Usually it’s said within 2 seconds of biting the others head off.

    Of course, we’ve only been married 9.5 years. WHo knows in another 9? *G*

    And the Romance is so true. I think saying he loves me every day IS romantic. So much better than $50 worth of flowers that will be gone in less than a week.

    CONGRATS on 18 years. Raising my glass to you both for 18 more!

  23. Carmel Says:

    Wow 18 years! That’s great! Congrats.

    Btw… good tips on marriage too! You got yourself a good man there… of course he got himself a good woman too… lol

  24. Lori Says:

    Congrats Renee! I know how wonderful you are so I can honestly say that your hubby is one lucky guy! Love ya!

  25. Albert Taylor Says:

    Congratulations on your anniversary. Those are great tips.

  26. Brandy Says:

    Congratulations on 18 years!
    All your “rules” are so true. My hubs and I have been married 15 years and romance is fleeting, love lasts longer. Granted flowers would be nice more than once every 2 or 3 years *g*, but it’s taking out the trash so I don’t have to that means more.
    Again, Happy Anniversary!

  27. Jennifer Says:

    Congratulations! I hope you have 18 more wonderful years together.

  28. veanna Says:

    congratulations on the 18!!!
    I’m going to have to agree that your insights are wonderful

  29. annalisa Says:

    Congratulations on your 18th anniversary! I really enjoyed reading about the things you thought contributed to the success of your marriage. I agree with them! My hubby and I will be celebrating our 33rd anniversary on Aug. 1. We have been together for over 35 years. One thing we do is always tell each other “I love you” every day. And we never go to bed mad at each other. 🙂

  30. PhyllisC Says:

    Congratulations and Happy Anniversary! My better half and I will celebrate 35 years in November. I loved your comments. I think they should be printed, framed and given to couples entering marriage as “rules to live by for a successful marriage”. They are right on. I will be passing this on to my kids (the married and single ones). They are also good rules for a successful relationship. Thanks and here’s to many, many more.

  31. danette Says:

    Happy 18th Anniversary ! Cheers to many more!

    Me and my husband make 7 years next week 🙂 Sometimes I wonder how he puts up with me 😉

    Hugs, Danette

  32. quinjames Says:

    dude, don’t enter me, but I just wanted to say Congrats to you and the hubby…and apart from #1 (cos I don’t drink coffee), your list of reasons why you love him pretty much mirrors me and mine. Guess we have the same taste in hubbys too lol

  33. Michelle B Says:

    Congratulations on 18 great years! And as a single woman, I will definitely keep your advice in mind when it comes to marriage.


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